Tommy HilfigerMen & Boy's Ties

Abandoned at the alter

Flew in from Los Angeles to rain soaked Boston. Took the Amtrak Downeaster from North Station all the way up to Freeport. It's wedding season, and I'll be damned if I'm not the Best Man. Childhood friend. True love. It's time to deliver and I'm gonna make it happen. Everything is planned to a T... except... except... Email pings into the inbox: what's this? The groom's father emailing the entire groomal party with a request that we all wear floral ties. Floral ties? What is this, the Kentucky Derby? Did I hit my head on the slick train platform and wake up at the starting bell of the Preakness Stakes? Regardless, the groom is going to be wearing one, so I better pony up. After all, I've got a whole day in Freeport before the wedding. LL Bean is supreme, and Men's Warehouse galore. Surely someone has a flowered tie. First stop is LL Bean. Why? Cause you're in Freeport. When in Memphis you see the King. When you're in Freeport... well. Mainers know who butters their bread. I walk over, only to met by about 500 acres of construction. Can't even get in- unheard of. So I do a hard right turn straight into the crosswalk like a food delivery robot and trundle over to Men's Warehouse. Make a beeline for the ties- no dice. Solid colors like it's gawd-dmned prom night. Nothing even close to floral. Sweat forms on the brow. So what- I don't care. It's just a floral tie. I just need to walk in a store and buy a tie with flowers on it. This is America, right? Right? I speedwalk over to J Crew Factory- nothing. Fine, fine I think. Banana Republic. Jesus, I really am 30. They tell me they have one tie left and it looks like I'm running to be class president in blue with red stripes. Loafers slapping on brick sidewalk I race through Ralph Lauren, that weird British store, even Gap. Goddmn Gap. Nothing. Okay I think, I can rent a car. I can drive to Portland. I'm doing this. I call up David Wood in Portland- they have me over a barrel. Upsell me, I don't care. A man answers "This IS David Wood," like he is a men's fine clothing store come to life. I demand a floral tie at any price. "Like Liberty of London?" Yes, yes I shout into the phone. "We have nothing like that, call Joseph's". I call their competitor who angrily asks if David Wood told me to call them. They have a rivalry I'm suddenly in the middle of, and all Joseph's has is bowties. I'm doomed. I'm getting ready to go to JoAnn Fabrics and make the goddmn thing myself, when my mother texts me: have you tried Macy's? Macy's? That's still around? Didn't asian sweatshops put them out of business? South Portland- it's my only hope. I jump back on the train and get there, running over five miles of parking lot to a squat Macy's next to a Sears that looks like something out of the first season of True Detective. Don't care. Run inside, past all the bras which for some reason they make you walk by as a man to get to any kind of clothing you might actually look at... and there it is. The Tommy Hilfiger Men's Botanical Tie. I buy one: 34 dollars and five years off my life. A steal. 4 stars because I don't really like flowered ties.